Scene Negotiations

   Now if this kind of difference can be found between two people who are use to playing together, imagine how different the perceptions might be between two people who have never played together. There is never a good excuse for not taking a few moments and talking face to face with someone you are going to stimulate, even if that stimulation is going to only be a momentary act as in demonstrating a sensation.

  Example:    I was once giving a demo of  Fire Play. One of the attendees that wanted to feel it, imparted to me several years later just how frightened she had been at the moment of the sensation. Since I did not take the time to focus on her for more than just the few seconds of the demo, I did not realize just how frightened she had been, and this kept her from having any kind of comfort with fire. Had I taken the time to talk to her, look her in the eye and verify that she was ready and to establish even a modest level of comfort between us, her perception would have been totally different. I'm glad to have had the opportunity to correct that mistake, but we don't often have that opportunity. As skilled Tops we have a responsibility to do it perfectly every single time.

   Now what constitutes negotiations? I would say that it should include every conceivable thing that could benefit or adversely affect the scene. That is a pretty big list, so let's take things a step at a time.

   My first step is to have a bottom fill out a BD/SM consent form. You can view a copy of this document here. Or download a copy in Word or Rich-Text format. Once this form is filled out, you and the bottom should sit down together as equals and discuss the things which are listed in the Consent form. This will give you subjects to talk about and will aid you in coming to a common comfort level with each other. Though I have not done so myself, I have often considered filling out one myself and offering it online so that prospective play partners might get an idea of my interests, skills and limits. (yes, Tops have limits too) I will think further on this and probably do it sometime soon. If you are quicker at it than I, you can always take credit for the idea.

   After we have decided on a path for our scene together, I like to verify that there is a level of comfort or try to gauge the level of discomfort that might exist. This will affect the way I conduct the scene, particularly in the early stages.

    Even though common wisdom should be universal, it is like common sense......very rare in actuality. I always make sure my bottom has a safe word or phrase which will signal their discomfort or even their desire to cease a scene. If a hood or gag is incorporated into a scene, you can substitute a gesture or other signaling device. I have on occasion had a bottom hold in their hands  a ring of clips or such which when released would signal an end to the scene. This might also signal a loss of consciousness in a serious scene. (Be sure the ring would not be retained in the hand of an unconscious person as in having it hooked on the thumb of an up stretched hand) As for Safe Words, I use the common "traffic signal" method.

   Yellow means the stimulation is reaching an uncomfortable level and perhaps a softening of the stimulations would be good at this time. It doesn't mean anything should stop, but instead that a limit is being reached and should not be crossed at this time. A slight respite might allow a pushing of this limit or even a transcendence.

    Red means that a limit has been crossed or that some other condition has occurred that warrants the immediate cessation of all play and the immediate release of the bottom from any bondage by the speediest method available. Once a bottom is released, every effort should be made to insure the comfort of the bottom and to ascertain the problem that occurred. There is no better time to find out what the problem is and correct it then right NOW.

   Green means that I am boring the bottom and they are going to go to sleep unless I get off my lazy butt and give them some kind of stimulation to work with. This is not to be confused with topping from the bottom. This is merely the bottom giving the Top valuable information about their condition and readiness to continue on without waste. Yeah, right!

    Though it is listed on the BD/SM consent form, I take a special effort to confirm that there are no health risks or transitory conditions which might adversely affect play. Some important things to know are if the person suffers from Diabetes or low blood sugar. A scene is a tremendous strain on the body and conditions like these can create a dangerous situation in play. Of course any STD's or transmittable conditions are always top concerns as is epilepsy. As I've said before, take the time to sit and talk.

   Another concern is sexual play. Believe it or not, I have had bottoms who expected sexual stimulation as part of the scene and this needs to be negotiated at the beginning. Do not assume anything, ever. If sexual stimulation is being given, assure health risks are minimized. Do not use anything for sexual stimulation unless it is the bottom's personal property or if it will become theirs at the end of the scene. I even take this direction with rope. If it in anyway becomes "intimate" with the bottom, it becomes theirs. Also make sure that the bottom is not latex intolerant. This could lead to a very nasty reaction. I carry Nitrile gloves and Polyurethane condoms for just such an eventuality.

   Once all the necessary topics have been covered, hopefully you have all the information needed to proceed through a smooth and satisfying scene.

    One comment I wish to make about Safe Words, just because they are in place, does not in anyway reduce the Tops responsibility for the scene. I have seen bottoms who took it as a personal challenge not to use a Safe Word even when a scene went in an undesired direction. Some think it is a personal disgrace to "code". You must always watch the body posture, body tension and the breathing to help you decide what is going on within the bottoms head. Ultimately, it is you who will suffer if the scene doesn't go well. The bottom will get over whatever you might put them through, but they may speak ill of you afterwards and this is something that is very hard to recover from. You are the Top, perfection is expected even if that is unreasonable.

Yours in Life, Love and Leather,
Robert aka Morpheus
"My solitary path allows unobstructed vistas, and an untrampled landscape."

(Morpheus 11/24/99)
http://www.tampafetishparty.com

Note: This article is protected under copyright laws. You have my permission to reprint it as long as you do so in it's entirety, leaving all links back to this site intact.